Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
