I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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