I just threw up on my dentist
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
