Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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