Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
