just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
