I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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