mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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