i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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