got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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