If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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