It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Come share oat with me in your robe
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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