I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
