She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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