I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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