I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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