The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
