Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
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