It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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