Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
