so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
