He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
