You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
