Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
