R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
