I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
