dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
