forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
