my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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