I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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