Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My ass is underappreciated
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
