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after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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