It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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