I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize