either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
