i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
