Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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