I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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