Sry I called you an 8
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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