I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
