i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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