I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
