trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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