onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
