put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize