he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
