I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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