Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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