Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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