So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It was a blind-side dick pic.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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