Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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