Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
