finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
