I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
