Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
