i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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