Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
