She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize