Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
