I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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